Every part of you…
I can remember the very first time I went to therapy, as clear as this moment is now. I was nervous, excited, and curious how I would feel talking to someone about all of the things that, at the time, I never spoke to anyone about; I’m not sure if some of the things I even spoke out loud, ever. I was holding more in than even I realized. My therapist at the time, Karen, asked me the question that I have now asked so many people – what brings you in today?
I let the question hang in the air. This was a big question. I had a long list of reasons why I was there, in her office, and could’ve rattled off all those things, but then something came out of my mouth that I didn’t plan on saying. “I want to be whole.” I let my answer sit there, now with the safe space in Karen, truthfully, not even consciously aware of what wholeness really was, but I knew that that’s what I needed. Thankfully, Karen earned my trust and as we both faithfully worked together, becoming whole was happening- beautifully, painfully; with grief and lament, and a lot of courage, I was becoming whole.
I think we’re all in a process of wholeness. So, here’s what I know now about wholeness – this is my belief as a therapist, and my personal, I’m a human living life perspective. I don’t think anybody is ever complete or whole. We’re never a finished product, and I think that’s really cool – new life is always happening in us, and all around us, always. This is hopeful – this means re-birth is possible, this means growth is possible. But this also means that we are made up of many “parts.” I’ll be writing more about “parts” in future posts, but what I want you to understand now is that depending on our life circumstances, we learned from a very early age which parts of us were welcomed and acceptable, and which parts weren’t. The parts that weren’t acceptable got split off, or put away somewhere, so that nobody would have to see those displeasing parts. For example, perhaps your family wasn’t very comforting in times of distress; well then, you split off the parts that needed to be dependent, that needed to be vulnerable and nurtured. In these moments, you learn it’s not safe to show that part, so like a child hiding something in her/his room so that nobody ever finds it; you hide that part and decide you don’t need to rely on people, and perhaps instead become a critical person so that you can push people away. This is one example in a sea of many.
So, therapy is about finding and gently reclaiming all the parts – the pieces of you that are precious, and worthy of being attended to. We just have to find the parts. The quote, “Show me all the parts of you that you do not love so I know where to begin” couldn’t be more true of therapy…lovingly searching for the unloved parts, and becoming whole again.
Take good care – Annie