“Are You There For Me?”

We are all being asked to adjust to radical changes in our world very quickly. Part of the change is the amount of time spent with family, or roommates; or conversely, it is a lot of alone time if you're single. This can bring up many feelings in the relationships around us; and as it often is with feeling life, trying to work through all the different emotions becomes a lot for everyone to hold.

Attachment theorists, like Sue Johnson and others, suggest that the question, "Are you there for me?" rests deep in the heart of every person. Do the people who proclaim to love me most, do they really see me, and hear me? These theorists have broken down the word "are" in this question to make an acronym. What children long to know, what adults need to experience from partners, spouses, or best friends, is that these people are available, reliable, and engaged.

Available —

This is about being present to each other in an emotionally attuned way. During quarantine we are all together a lot. Like, a lot a lot. So much! However, being emotionally available sometimes requires a little more work than just being in the room with each other. Being available is about creating space for those around you to know that you are there, with your attention turned towards their inside lives.

Reliable —

Being reliable is about being responsive. When you listen to others, are you responding to what they are saying and feeling, or are you giving your thoughts and opinions that aren't connected to what is being felt?

Engaged —

An engaged other. This is part of being responsive and available. You know that feeling that you have when someone is really listening well to you, hears your heart, and works to understand where you are coming from? It's like relaxing into your most favorite chair that you know will always support and hold you. These three ingredients bring safety and comfort, and truly help to keep each other calm - mind, body, and soul. And that is what we need right now...a whole lotta calm. ARE you hearing what I'm saying?